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Right now, my seventh year in community college, I’m supposed to be studying for my Alaskan Politics final in two days but I’m not going to do it. I’m hoping to get an appropriately-beneficial super power able to help me out with this situation. I sometimes get super powers. The problem is that they’re single-use super powers so once they’re expended; I can never get them back. I’ve only gotten three super powers in this life time. My first time was in the twelfth grade. While sitting in Super-Science class, I envisioned a macro-whale erratically inhaling obscenely proportioned amounts of cocaine through its blow-hole and in a matter of thirteen seconds, my Super-Science teacher was crushed by an aging macro-whale directly imported from the Inuit islands (with my mind.) Super-Science was always a bullshit class. During my senior year, I spent the majority of my time reading books about plagiarism. Right now, instead of studying for the final, I am currently standing over a pool of what appears to be a puddle made of mud and saliva. I have no idea how it got here. Wearing sandals and a tuxedo, I’d like to say that I invented the look but that would be a lie; it was inspired by Jesus, who I’m sure would have worn a tuxedo had he been able to wear one back then. I haven’t slept in thirty-seven days and now, it’s gotten to the point where I’m talking to a man made of car-parts. He appears to be a hybrid because the majority of his parts read “Prius.” I’m sure he’s imaginary but my mind would like to tell me otherwise. As the days go by, the air starts to smell even more like pineapples. Over-saturation is quickly becoming a deadly thing. I sometimes have this recurring dream. In this dream, I’m falling from heaven, and heaven is New Jersey. Since I have been conditioned to believe that heaven is situated above my head, my dream appropriately places New Jersey somewhere in the sky, amidst the clouds. On the map, in place of New Jersey, there’s China. They had to use a lot of vegetable oil to make China fit. I don’t think China is happy with its new home. In my dreams I eat cars, sweat from my toes, use Grizzly bears as transportation vehicles, and sometimes go back in time to slap the doctor’s face as I’m being born. I’m a pretty simple guy: I like pickles in my coffee, occasionally get married, and repeatedly curse at little kids that eat too much candy. Sometimes I wonder why bone-marrow isn’t made out of candy. |
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